


[fanmixes] unraveling

by redcheekdays



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Fanmix, Gen, Playlist, Poetry, poem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:02:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29751054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redcheekdays/pseuds/redcheekdays
Summary: 3 mixes + a dialogue poem for buffy summers in seasons 5, 6, & 7
Kudos: 2





	1. [s5] the pieces that i've lost, i have loved

**Author's Note:**

> i saw people were posting fanmixes on here so this is an experiment i guess!! (fanmixes are a lost art, in this essay i will—)
> 
> i will definitely not post all the fanmixes my illustrious fanmix career has produced but you can find them here if it pleases you: [redcheekdays.dreamwidth.org/tag](https://redcheekdays.dreamwidth.org/tag/)
> 
> also, obviously, fuck joss whedon

_her love hurtling down death's highways  
the hands of a killer, the heart of a little girl_

find this on [dreamwidth](https://redcheekdays.dreamwidth.org/36203.html), [spotify](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/59PRzcVeIuAocNTtaw9vyj), [tumblr](https://redcheekdays.tumblr.com/post/635152617809543168)

**edge of town** , middle kids

i got all muddled up & journeyed to the edge of town  
& then the road cracked open, sucked me in & i went down  
now standing face to face with the king of the underground  
some things just don't add up, i'm upside down, i'm inside out

i came a little closer to the truth that day  
i heard its call in the alleyway  
& the one resounding answer that i could take  
is that i don't know nothing & i got no way

**breathing underwater** , metric

i'm the blade  
you're the knife  
out of place, all the time  
in a world that wasn't mine to take  
i'll wait

nights are days  
we'll beat a path through the mirrored maze  
i can see the end  
but it hasn't happened yet

is this my life?  
am i breathing underwater?

**teen idle** , marina

i wanna be a bottle blonde  
i don't know why, but i feel conned  
i wanna be an idle teen  
i wish i hadn't been so clean  
i wanna stay inside all day  
i want the world to go away  
i want blood, guts & chocolate cake  
i wanna be a real fake

the wasted years, the wasted youth  
the pretty lies, the ugly truth  
& the day has come where i have died  
only to find i've come alive

**in bottles** , aurora

i put my tears in bottles  
in case if i need them later  
you never know, you never know  
& if i get thirsty  
will they make me sad forever?

i hide other pieces  
that you never would have liked  
if you knew about them

oh, cover your eyes  
cover your eyes

**alive** , sia

i had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go  
where the wind don't change  
& nothing in the ground can ever grow  
no hope, just lies  
& you're taught to cry into your pillow  
but i survived

you took it all  
but i'm still breathing

i have made every single mistake  
that you could ever possibly make  
i took & i took & i took what you gave  
but you never noticed that i was in pain

**i'm not your hero** , tegan and sara

i was used to feeling like i was never  
going to see myself at the finish line  
hanging on to parts of me  
hanging on at all  
i was used to seeing no future in my sight-line

sometimes it feels like i'm all that they've got  
gets so hard to know i'm not what they want

do my best to walk the finest line  
'til i've had all that i can take

**impossible weight** , deep sea diver

this is what it feels like  
cliff dive, broken mind  
wondering how i got here

spit it out —  
never mind —  
i think i’m addicted to the fear

but that was then, & this is now  
i tried so hard not to let you all down  
it’s an impossible weight  
so i’ll just let you down now

**don't swallow the cap** , the national

i have only two emotions: careful fear & dead devotion  
i can't get the balance right  
throw my marbles in the fight  
i see all the ones i wept for, all the things i had it in for  
i won't cry until i hear  
cause i was not supposed to be here

everything i love is on the table  
everything i love is out to sea

is it time to leave? is it time to think about  
what i wanna say to the girls at the door?  
i need somewhere to be  
but i can't get around the river in front of me  
calm down, it's alright  
lead my arms the rest of the night  
when they ask, what do i see?  
i say a bright white beautiful heaven hanging over me

**never let me go** , florence + the machine

now i am under all  
& it's breaking over me  
a thousand miles down to the sea bed  
found the place to rest my head  
never let me go, never let me go

& the arms of the ocean are carrying me  
& all this devotion is rushing out of me  
but the arms of the ocean delivered me

& it's over & i'm going under  
but i'm not giving up, i'm just giving in  
i'm slipping underneath  
so cold & so sweet

_fin_


	2. [s6] i was not supposed to be here

_what it is and where it stops, nobody knows  
you gave me a life i never chose  
i wanna leave but the world won't let me go_

find this on [dreamwidth](https://redcheekdays.dreamwidth.org/36522.html), [spotify](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/64PP9meBau7QS3OA9CxIpf), [tumblr](https://redcheekdays.tumblr.com/post/635152820613644288)

**skin & bones**, foo fighters

the more i give, the less i get  
but i'm all set  
i'm all set

skin & bones  
skin & bones  
i'm just skin & bones

**made of stone** , daughter

what if i'm made of stone?  
feeling is not a system  
nervous & cold in your home  
hoping i'm overthinking  
i should be feeling more  
draped over your bones  
paint colors up the walls  
to spread our inspirations

**shoulders** , lady lamb

i won't believe you truly love me  
'til you take me by my shoulders  
& tear, tear me down the middle  
did you miss me?  
then show me how you kiss with primal intent

& you lap up my blood cause i let you lap it up  
i am nothing & i am everyone  
i have love & it is killing me

& you lap up my love cause i let you lap it up  
see my love as it runs from me  
feel my blood, feel it run through me

**chinese satellite** , phoebe bridgers

i've been running around in circles  
pretending to be myself  
why would somebody do this on purpose  
when they could do something else?

i want to believe  
that if i go outside i'll see a tractor beam  
coming to take me to where i'm from  
i want to go home

**half** , pvris

some days i feel everything  
others are numbing  
can never find that in-between  
it's all or nothing

never wanted to be here now  
one foot in the grave, other on the ground  
i can't process what i'm feeling now  
this skin, i can do without

half my bones in the city streets  
the other in my sheets  
& i don't think they'll ever get  
the chance to meet

**right where it belongs** , nine inch nails

are you sure what side of the glass you are on?  
feel the hollowness inside of your heart  
& it's all right where it belongs

what if everything around you isn't quite as it seems?  
what if all the world you think you know is an elaborate dream?  
& if you look at your reflection, is that all you want it to be?  
what if you could look right through the cracks?  
would you find yourself afraid to see?

you keep looking, but you can't find the woods  
while you're hiding in the trees

**artificial nocturne** , metric

i'm just as fucked up as they say  
i can't fake the daytime  
i found an entrance to escape into the dark  
got false lights for the sun  
it's an artificial nocturne  
it's an outsider's escape for a broken heart

**graceless** , the national

i'm trying, but i'm graceless  
i don't have a sunny side to face this  
i am invisible & weightless  
you can't imagine how i hate this

i'm trying, but i'm gone  
& through the glass again

all of my thoughts of you  
bullets through rotten fruit  
come apart at the seams  
now i know what dying means  
i am not my rosy self  
left my roses on my shelf

**twinkle lights** , the sonder bombs

at 14 years old i finally had to let go  
& at 14 years old i was basically fully grown

i don't really talk about it though  
so i'll pretend that i'm fine  
then proceed to watch my best friend lose her mind

well there's nothing really wrong with me  
i'm just choking almost constantly  
oh there's nothing really wrong with me

**shake it out** , florence + the machine

every demon wants his pound of flesh  
but i like to keep some things to myself  
i like to keep my issues drawn  
it's always darkest before the dawn

& i'm damned if i do & i'm damned if i don't  
so here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope  
& i'm ready to suffer & i'm ready to hope  
it's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat

shake it out, shake it out  
it's hard to dance with a devil on your back  
so shake him off

**look up** , stars

you're cold  
maybe you just missed the sun  
you fall  
feeling like it's just begun  
so far  
keeping it together's been enough  
look up  
rain is falling  
looks like love

_fin_


	3. [s7] you never see me (unraveling)

_is it all full circle? is it all part of a plan?  
make my death wish, mind my business  
i'm doing the best i can with what i am_

find this on [dreamwidth](https://redcheekdays.dreamwidth.org/36661.html), [spotify](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0JaCNzaHWgEryC9Hx21K1S), [tumblr](https://redcheekdays.tumblr.com/post/635153037642612737)

**(nice dream)** , radiohead

they love me like i was a brother  
they protect me, listen to me  
they dug me my very own garden  
gave me sunshine, made me happy

if you think that you're strong enough  
nice dream  
if you think you belong enough  
nice dream

**weight of living, pt ii** , bastille

now that you are here  
suddenly you fear you've lost control  
you've lost control

do you like the person you've become?

it all crept up on you  
in the night it got you  
& plagued your mind  
it plagues your mind

tell yourself this is how it's going to be  
oh, tell yourself this is how it's going to be  
you're under the weight of living  
under the weight of living

**funeral** , phoebe bridgers

i have this dream where i'm screaming underwater  
while my friends are waving from the shore  
& i don't need you to tell me what that means

jesus christ, i'm so blue all the time  
& that's just how i feel  
always have & i always will  
i always have & always will

**tell me you love me** , sufjan stevens

my love, i've lost my faith in everything  
my love, i feel myself unraveling  
my love, i feel the darkness on my back  
something inside me like a wave

as the world turns, making such a mess  
what's the point of it when everything's dispossessed?  
can we carry this love across the desert?  
(tell me you love me)

i'm gonna love you  
i'm gonna love you every day

**empty** , metric

there was no way out  
the only way out was to give in  
when there's no way out, the only way out is to give in  
how i love to  
how i love to  
how i love to give in

i'm so glad that i'm an island  
i'm so glad that i'm an island  
i'm so glad that i'm an island now

sickness was fixing me some  
coughed out my heart in the last stall  
now that the damage is done  
i never miss it at all

**you're somebody else** , flora cash

you were the better part  
of every bit of beating heart that i had  
whatever i had  
i finally sat alone  
pitch-black flesh & bone  
couldn't believe that you were gone

well, you look like yourself  
but you're somebody else  
well, you talk like yourself  
i hear someone else, though  
now you're making me nervous

**love me like i'm not made of stone** , lykke li

there's a heart i cannot hide  
there's a beat i can't deny  
when it sings, when it lies  
when it cheats, when it bribes  
there is a war inside my core  
i hear it fight, i hear it roar

even though it hurts, even though it scars  
love me when it storms, love me when i fall  
every time it breaks, every time it's torn  
love me like i'm not made of stone

**wishing** , deep sea diver

i've tasted your anger, its heat on my skin  
i've brushed it off but don't know where to begin  
always pretеnding the seasons will change  
thеy come & go & i bear the weight

wishing i was somebody else  
try to take the wheel & turn it around  
wishing i was somebody else  
because you're driving me into the ground

sometimes i feel it  
my heart is bleeding out  
sometimes i get so untied

**here comes the night time ii** , arcade fire

i hurt myself again  
along with all my friends  
feels like it never ends  
here comes the night again

here comes the night time  
here comes the night time

**the box** , damien rice

my reasons for walking away  
my reasons for wanting to change  
my reasons for everything are lost with you

well i have tried, but i don't fit  
into this box i'm living with  
well i could go wild  
but you might lock me up

i have tried but i don't fit  
into this box you call a gift  
i could be wild & free  
but god forbid, then you might envy me

**slipped** , the national

i'm having trouble inside my skin  
i try to keep my skeletons in  
i'll be a friend & a fuck-up & everything  
but i'll never be anything you ever want me to be

i don't want you to grieve, but i want you to sympathize  
i can't blame you for losing your mind for a little while  
so did i  
i don't want you to change, but i want you to recognize  
that i'll never be anything you ever want me to be

i keep coming back here where everything slipped  
but i will not spill my guts out

**generation** , half waif

i'm bidding goodbye to a body that's full of thorns  
here's to corners i've turned & levels i've cleared  
i couldn't have done it before

one form in the storm, battling on  
i am my own generation

& i'm learning to love the woman in me  
cause she knows how to love all of you

i tried to dry my tears outside  
i forgot it's a season of rain  
shouting at clouds: i've done enough, now  
& i'm coming home to myself

**turned out i was everyone** , sasami

to be so alone in the night  
thought i was the only one  
turned out i was everyone

**break even** , in the valley below

my dear, ten years  
where do we go from here?  
one day by day by day  
the bricks are laid

how long, how long?  
we won, come on  
how long, how far we've come

we might break  
we might break  
we might break  
we might break even

_fin_


	4. [s7] poem: she alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a dialogue poem for buffy summers, burdened general, in season 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i uhhhh made a poem? thing ? i recently watched season 7 for the first time in like 7 years & i simply have a lot of feelings about it. i love a sad girl. ok bye

i don't know how to live in this world  
if these are the choices  
if everything just gets

stripped away.

a slayer with family and friends...  
that sure as hell wasn't in the brochure

no friends, no hope.  
take all that away, and what's left?  
me. just a girl.  
One girl in all the world.  
she alone —

the mission is what matters.

i don't understand this. for seven years i've kept us safe  
by doing this. exactly this.  
making the hard decisions  
& now suddenly  
you can't trust me?

the mission is what matters.  
you need someone to issue orders & be reckless sometimes  
& not take your feelings into account.  
the mission is what matters.  
you need someone to lead you

i don't know what i'm doing.

i just — if you knew what i've done.  
what i've let myself become  
my best friends don't even —

the mission is what matters.

i'm starting to feel like  
being the slayer is turning me into stone.

to slay, to kill. it means being hard  
on the inside

i feel like i'm worse than anyone.  
honestly  
i'm beneath them.

even though they love me  
it doesn't mean anything. they don't know  
they haven't been through what i've been through

love  
give  
forgive

the mission is what matters.

you are full of love.  
you love with all your soul  
it's brighter than the fire — blinding.  
that's why you pull away from it.

the mission is what matters.

it all adds up to you feeling alone.  
that's you, every day, isn't it?

that's the price, being a slayer.

the mission is what matters  
the mission is what matters  
the mission is what matters.

i'm just so tired.  
can we rest now?


End file.
